It's rare to carry on with your sex life as if nothing happened after you discover that your spouse has had an affair. Although some couples will report that their sex life actually improved right after infidelity, yourchristiandate.com this is the exception rather than the rule. Many couples struggle sexually. This is particularly true of the faithful spouse who can hesitate to be intimate after being betrayed and hurt so badly. Many people report feeling numb, detached, or flat.
A wife might say: "the biggest
damage to our marriage because of my husband's affair is our sex life. The
other woman was everything that I am not - young, thin, and beautiful. I don't
want to tear myself down. I know that I am not ugly. I know that some people
would consider me still attractive. But after nursing two children and having
two pregnancies, my body can not compete with a young woman who is at her prime
weight and who has never had children. I suspect that she was more adventurous
and eager to please sexually. Plus, there was the aspect of surprise and
newness yourchristiandate.com
review with her. I can't compete with that either. My husband ended
the affair as soon as I found out. He has done everything that I have requested
of him. I do believe he is putting in a lot of effort. And I can't imagine that
he would jump through all these hoops if he did not love me. I do believe that
he loves me. But it is very hard for me to engage with him sexually. He seems
into it and enthusiastic, but I wonder if this is only for my benefit. I will feel
like I want to have sex, but then when it actually comes down to it, I find
that I am basically just numb. I want to actively participate and to enjoy
myself like I used to, but I find that my mind just wanders. Most of the time,
I imagine my husband having sex with her. But other times, I find myself
thinking about silly, mundane things like whether or not I paid my bill or when
I am due for a teeth cleaning. Or, I'll worry about something to do with my
kids. This hasn't been a huge problem with me in the past. Am I always going to
feel numb like this when we have sex? Why is this happening? And how can I stop
it?"
I'm not a therapist. I am answering
this question as a wife who has been through this and gone through something
similar. In my experience and opinion, sometimes, we shut down sexually when we
have shut down emotionally. It is very hard to have great sex when you are not
connected emotionally. Therefore, if your relationship is still struggling a
little bit and is still not on solid ground, you might see your sex life being
affected yourchristiandate
accordingly. It's understandable and it is normal. When you continue to heal
and you regain that emotional connection, you will often find that your sex
life greatly improves as well.
Here is another consideration. Many
of us kind of detach and distance ourselves from our husband after he has an
affair. We do this as a defense mechanism. We may not be consciously aware of it.
But by distancing ourselves from him, we are trying to protect ourselves from
being hurt. And this distance can seep into other areas of our life - like our
sex life.
How do we begin to stop this? Well,
we can start by trying to notice if (and when) we are doing it. Notice how you
are when you're conversing with your spouse or spending time with him. If you
find yourself only half way engaged, pay attention and ask yourself if you want
to lean in just a little bit. Sometimes, you have to do this gradually because
you are understandably reluctant to completely trust and you do not want to be
hurt. Often, over time you will feel a little safer, engage a little more, and
then retreat and watch again and repeat the process. Over time, you are no
longer as guarded because you've learned that it's safe to trust. Watch
yourself in this process and if you are not actively leaning in and giving a
little more in time, ask yourself why. Figure out what hasn't been settled and
address it.
Finally, mindfulness can greatly
enhance sex in any circumstances. I know that it seems silly to compare sex to
meditation. But the same type of mindfulness works with both. When you find
your mind drifting, draw your attention to what is what in front of you. Notice
your breath. Notice the feel of his hands on you. Notice exactly what is
happening at that time. Don't be afraid to look at him and to really and truly
take it all in. This is the easiest and fastest way to stop being numb. I know
first hand that you have every right to want to numb yourself. You are afraid.
You are reluctant. But if you want to experience all of the pleasures sexually
then you have to be willing to be a little more vulnerable in other areas. And
you have to be willing to take down the walls during sex and to experience it
all.
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