It's normal to have some doubts when you've caught your spouse in an affair that he is now claiming is completely over. After all, how are you just supposed to believe him when he's been lying all along? flirtwith.com And if the affair was so important to him that he risked detection, does it make sense that he would break it off - just like that?
Many of us will try to approach our
husbands looking for reassurance. Some husbands give it. Others are resentful
that we can't let it go. Regardless of the response, many of us still have our
doubts. Because for a while, it truly doesn't matter what he says. Any words
out of his mouth are going to be questioned by us, simply because an affair is
such a huge lie.
So, if we can't get our information
from him, what does this leave us with? Many of us figure that this leaves us
with spying and trying to find out any helpful information on our own. But very
few people flirtwith.com
review react
positively when they find out that someone has been spying on them. So you are
sometimes caught in a situation where you feel that you need to spy in order to
find out what you need to know, but this is just one more aspect of your
marriage that is being damaged.
A wife might explain this
situation: "I feel so stupid to admit this, but I did not suspect my
husband of cheating. I did not notice anything at all different. The only
reason I caught him is because I happened to be running errands and I walked by
a restaurant and happened to look in the window. I saw a man standing in line
and I knew that it was my husband. A woman was standing with him with her arm
around his waist. So I stood there and watched and it was clear they were
together. Once they sat down, I walked up to the cash register so that my
husband could see me. Once we made eye contact, I left. He followed me but I
would not turn around. Since that time, he has begged me not to leave him. He
claims that he has told me everything that I wanted to know. He comes right
home after work. Most of the time, he comes home for lunch or I meet him for
lunch, so he clearly flirtwith can not be
continuing to cheat at lunch. The problem is that there is this little voice
telling me that he might still be cheating and that there is something I don't
know. So I have taken to spying. I look on his phone, his email, and even his
pager. I've looked around in his car. He has caught me in some of this, but not
all of it. And every time he does catch me, he acts either sad or angry. He
says that all I need to do is ask him and he will give me the information. But
he says that I can't not trust him forever."
I understand why you feel the need
to check up. I don't know a wife who doesn't feel this way. I will admit that I
suffered from some serious paranoia in the time period after my husband's
affair. I assumed that every lateness meant that he was cheating. Or that every
claim was a lie. Not surprisingly, this lack of trust hurt our progress. And I
eventually stopped. But in the beginning, I just truly could not help myself.
I eventually began to taper off on
the spying when I realized that all this was doing was keeping me from moving
forward. It was taking time away from my children and it was only making me
feel unhappy. I wasn't finding anything and I wasn't sure if I should feel
relieved or disappointed. So I made a deal with myself. And with my husband. If
I had no reason to have suspicions, then I would not spy. However, if he gave
me a reason to wonder, then I would have at it. He agreed with this and told me
that all I had to do was ask him for access to anything. He essentially gave my
free reign on anything that I wanted to see. That didn't stop me from checking
in on my own. though.
But do you know what I found? Most
of the time, claims of bad traffic or delays in getting home were legitimate. I
was just seeing wrongdoing in everything that was completely innocent.
Sometimes, people do get held up and are late for really innocent reasons. Of
course, it's different if he's always late or you keep catching him in lies. I
don't know your situation. But in mine, there weren't any huge red flags. But I
felt unsure anyway.
What I was reacting to was my
inability to trust because of the pain of the affair. I was caught off guard once
and I didn't want it to happen again. But all of the distrust made me feel out
of control and just produced more pain. That's why I think that, rather than
spying and getting caught, it's just better to agree to an open door policy.
Perhaps you agree not to overreact when there's no obvious reason to do so, and
he agrees to allow you access to whatever you need if there is a legitimate
concern.
I think this method is preferable
than going behind his back and spying. Because doing so just perpetuates the
distrust and the defensiveness. And when you are trying to heal, what you want
is open communication and a give and take instead of both of you keeping
secrets or doing things behind each other's back. That just leads to more
distrust and secrets.
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