It is normal to want to talk at length after you find out your spouse has been cheating. You often have a lot of emotions that you need to release. And you want your spouse to understand what you are feeling. yourchristiandate.com Although many spouse's seem willing to listen right after the affair is discovered, it's not uncommon to see their willingness to listen waning quickly.
A wife might explain: "when I
first found out about my husband's affair, he stuck to me like glue. He seemed
to be so scared that I was going to leave him. I knew that I wasn't going to
leave, but I didn't share this with him. Because I thought that it wouldn't be
a bad thing if he was worried. I wanted him to be scared so that he would think
twice about cheating again. Early on, he told me that he wanted to know
everything that I was thinking and feeling. He sat there patiently while I
talked. He listened and seemed empathetic. But this quickly passed. Now when I
want to talk, I look at his face and it's all scrunched up. He will sigh
heavily. He sits and he does listen, but it's clear he'd rather be anywhere
else. Last night, we were talking and I said: 'when this first happened, you
told me that you wanted to hear my feelings. Is that not true anymore? Are you
not interested in this anymore?' His response was that he was still interested,
but it seems like I'm saying the same thing every time. Maybe I am, but it's a
lot to take. yourchristiandate.com
review Are men really interested in your feelings after their
affair? Or are they just pretending to placate you?"
I think that they are interested.
But what you are saying can be hurtful to them because they know that they are
the cause of it. This is normal. In their hearts, they want to know what you're
feeling and they want for you to share your thought process. But every time
they hear your words, it just drives home the point that they have done tons of
damage to their marriage and they have hurt someone that they love. This isn't
always easy to hear.
And, your husband isn't alone in
saying that your message is somewhat repetitive. I do hear from a lot of
husbands who say the same thing - that they want to help their spouse heal
after their cheating but that after a while, it can feel as if you are not
making progress yourchristiandate because
you're hashing out the same old things every time.
Of course, you have every right to
repeat yourself. This is a hard thing to deal with. No one can expect you to
need to say or discuss something only once. We are not talking about something
simple like him forgetting to do something he's promised that is mostly benign
and innocent. We are talking about cheating. That is whole different level of a
mistake.
However, in order to make real
progress and to feel some relief, sometimes you have to be deliberate in how
you are handling this. You don't want to say something so much that it loses
its effectiveness. A counselor (or just you being very deliberate) can help you
with this. It helps to try to have most of your difficult discussions in your
counselor's office (or at a set time at home.) Because she can help to keep you
on track. And she can get to the heart of what you are really wanting to
communicate. Sometimes, we think we are saying what we mean, but we aren't
being crystal clear.
If you are not in counseling, then
one way to improve this is to try to have very specific, non negotiable times
to talk about your feelings. If you just blurt out everything that comes into
your head exactly when you experience it, your husband feels as if he's always
on his guard and he can honestly start to tune you out. But if you limit these
conversations to a set time (with it ending after a certain period of time,) he
is more likely to give you his undivided attention and you are much more likely
to feel that you are being heard.
Another thing that you can do is to
try to be very specific so that it doesn't sound like you are saying the same
thing over and over. Rather than repeating general phrases like "I feel
hurt and betrayed," you want to really try to get to the heart of the
matter. Try to really say what you mean. Examples are very specific phrases
like: "I worry that I will not trust you. I worry that you are not attracted
to me anymore. I worry that we can't get the intimacy back." This tells
your husband much more about the obstacles that must be overcome and he is more
likely to give you thoughtful responses and actions.
I hope I've addressed what you
wanted to know. Men often are interested. But they will also sometimes try to
protect themselves by zoning out or feeling defensive, even if this isn't their
intention and they do not realize that they are doing it. It hurts them to
realize what they've done. And it's normal to want to minimize that pain. So,
you have to be deliberate so that your message is really heard and addressed.
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