Many people understand that the time period after learning of your spouse's affair is a volatile one. Often, it's impossible to think clearly and objectively. And for these reasons, many people understand yourchristiandate.com that, most of the time, it's not in your best interest to make any important and lasting decisions until you are able to calm down and think rationally. But not every one has this luxury because sometimes, your spouse is the one who will make rash decisions.
A wife might say: "much to my
great shock, I did not immediately leave or kick my husband out after his
affair. I was kind of numb and I knew that I wasn't thinking clearly. So while
I asked for some time before we really talked this through, I did not do
anything drastic. I truly don't have any clue if we can save our marriage. But
I would like the opportunity to explore that. However, I might not get that
opportunity. Because my husband announced last night that he thinks our
marriage might be over because yourchristiandate.com
review he feels that he doesn't deserve me and he thinks that he
will never be able to get over these feelings of inadequacy. Frankly, this
makes me angry. He is the one who cheated and now he gets to call the shots?
What if I don't care if he doesn't deserve me?"
This isn't that all uncommon.
Sometimes, the cheating spouse is being absolutely truthful when they make this
claim. They fully believe that their actions have made them unlovable and
unredeemable. And they feel that you might ultimately be better off without
someone as flawed as them.
But other spouses pull the pity
card to try to get you to say something like: "you're wrong. You do
deserve me. You are a good person who made a mistake. Let's start over."
What cheating spouse yourchristiandate would not
want this easy, fast way out? It helps to be aware that, if you allow them to
take this quick out, then you may be cheating yourself out of rehabilitation
and healing.
That doesn't mean that you just
have to accept what he is saying without having a conversation about this. You
can certainly tell him your opinion by offering something like: "all of
the research that I'm doing says that you shouldn't just make drastic decisions
about ending or saving your marriage until you've taken the time to evaluate
things calmly. It is too soon for us to do that. So I think that it is too soon
for us to declare that our marriage is over. We might need to explore
counseling or having meaningful conversations before we are at a place where we
can make a decision about our marriage. But I think it's very premature to make
a marriage-ending decision before we even attempt to sort this out. We may be
able to heal and there may be a time in the future when we both feel deserving
of the other. We won't know that unless we take the first steps toward
exploring how we feel and seeing what we can salvage. But to just declare that
our marriage is probably over because of any initial feelings, that's just
rushing. Can we just wait to see what happens in the days to come before we
make any huge, life-changing decisions?"
His answer may give you some clues
as to whether he really believes in the whole "I don't deserve you"
claim or if he's posturing just a little bit. Because you're not telling him
that he DOES deserve you right this second. You are just saying that you are
willing to wait and see what tomorrow brings.
He may frankly believe what he's
telling you. But the most effective way for him to eventually believe that he
is deserving in the future is to become rehabilitated, to do the work, and to
eventually become the best husband that he can be.
He obviously can not do that if he
bails at the first sign at trouble. And part of taking responsibility is
hanging in there regardless of whether or not there are any guarantees.
Sometimes, he is looking for reassurance from you. But no one can give him
reassurance before the work has been done.
So I think that the best strategy
is to try to convince him that this type of decision is premature. Then, you do
the work. Honestly, if he is willing to do all of this, then it only makes
sense that the both of you are much more likely to think that he is deserving
in the future
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