I sometimes hear from people who have been cheating on their spouse and who are in a bit of a panic. And there can be a couple of reasons for this. First, they are beginning to realize the full brunt of their mistake. yourchristiandate.com They are realizing that their fantasy or hope of "no one getting hurt" just wasn't realistic after all.
Often, they are dealing with
pressure from both their spouse and from the other person in the affair.
Ideally, it would be great if the other person would be willing to bow out
gracefully. The ideal is that the other person accepts that the affair is over
and moves on without causing any additional damage. This is not always what
happens, though. Many times, the other person in the affair wants to
"talk" to all parties involved. They want to explain. They want a
face-to-face meeting where everyone (including the faithful spouse) is present.
And when you are hoping that you might salvage your marriage, this can be
difficult. Sometimes people in this situation ask me if there can be any upside
to this.
The comment might go something like
this: "the other woman wants to sit down and talk to my wife. I have told
both of them that the affair is over. But the other woman feels the need to
'say her peace.' yourchristiandate.com
review I will admit that my wife has been bad-mouthing the other
lady all over town. And so the other woman believes that if they can both sit
down as human beings, she can explain that she didn't think that I was married
initially and that now that she understands that, she is willing to walk away.
She wants to stress that she's not a bad person and never intended to hurt
anymore. Frankly, I never hid my marriage from her and I'm not sure that I
believe what she is saying. But she says that this is for my wife's benefit,
not for mine. And she seems to strongly feel the need for this meeting. I do
not think that my wife would be opposed to such a meeting, if for no other
reason than she would relish the opportunity to 'tell off' the other woman. Is
this ever a good idea? Because no one seems to be willing to drop it?"
This article will be discussing a
face-to-face meeting between two women. But, this dynamic can also happen with
men who feel the need to "hash it out - man to man" after an affair.
Either way, it almost never goes well. People only need to "hash things
out" or "have a meeting of the minds" when they are going to
work together in the future. If the affair yourchristiandate is truly
over, there is really no reason for this to need to happen. Once it's over, by
definition, the other person is officially out of your lives. This does not
include meetings with third parties. Having meetings is not moving forward. It
is not letting go. There is no good reason for it other than to heighten the
drama or to hang on.
I know that the other woman can
talk a good game about needing closure or about getting things off of her
chest. But guess what? When you are an adult, not all conflict concludes
wrapped in a neat and tiny bow. Sometimes things get left unresolved and so you
have to make a conscious choice to let go of the guilt on your own. This may
not be ideal. But this is real life for well-adjusted adults.
If you truly want to save your marriage,
your first priority is your family. It is not getting the other woman or the
other man closure. It is not allowing the other woman or the other man to have
the last word. It is not forcing your spouse to listen to what they have to
say. Very little good ever comes out of these meetings. All these face-to-face
meetings do is enflame and hurt.
So no, I would not encourage you to
pursue this. I would instead tell the other woman that moving on means just
that. Insist that your wife can make up her own mind about what happened and
that she doesn't need to hear it hashed out over and over again by a stranger.
Tell her that from now on, your focus is on the future and not on the past.
It's your job to protect your spouse from future injury from the affair. And if
you subject your spouse to this "meeting," then you wouldn't be doing
that job very well.
After an affair, every one has to
take responsibility for their own healing. The other woman can go to counseling
or find other ways to ease her guilt. She doesn't need to talk to your wife in
order to do that.
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